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Suzanne White

Author • Adventuress • Astrologer

New Astrology Star of the Day

Tears for my Deceased Daughter Autumn Lee White

by Suzanne White - on Friday, August 26, 2016
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My deceased Daughter, Autumn Lee white age 49, left us on august 26 of this year. she died of Breast Cancer and then more. We have lost 5 of the Women in my Family to Breast Cancer and two died very young.

Since Autie died, I have been unable to cry. Months went by in a blur of activity, writing, cooking, seeing friends and reading books. Every day I would wake up expecting a tidal wave of sorrow to smash into my reserve and incite me to the kind of non stop weeping and wailing I had displayed when in 1976 my dear sister Sally died. At 41 of Breast Cancer.

Last Saturday I had lunch with Ron, a friend from the States who has a beautiful house hereabouts. Ron's a psychiatrist. I commented to him how it felt odd not to have cried. He said, "It'll happen. Something will set you off when you least expect it to." A week passed. Still, I didn't cry.

This morning as I was waiting for my tiny bathroom to heat up, I decided to practice the piano. I started with Unchained Melody because that's the one I know best. I did that 3 or 4 times badly and went leafing through the pages of My Easy Fake Book for a new song. One I hadn't tried. One without too many confusing chord changes. First page I came to was "Tears in Heaven." Oh goody I thought. I adore this song. It's so sad. I feel so sorry for Eric Clapton having lost his child out a skyscraper window in NY. Such a shock. Such a brilliant, sorrowful yet hopeful song. It goes like this:

"Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same If I saw you in heaven? I must be strong And carry on 'Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way Through night and day Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven Time can bring you down Time can bend your knees Time can break your heart Have you begging please, begging please Beyond the door There's peace' Now, as you may have guessed, I fell apart. Tears prevented me from reading the notes. I scrubbed them away. More came. I took a tissue from my pocket and daubed my eyes dry. But more tears came anyway. I was choking, gagging, sobbing. Because I am a person who flees pain, I quickly gathered my defenses and turned to another page to find something jaunty and fun to play. I found one I love. Not very jaunty. But lovely all the same. "An oldie my Mom used to sing. My mom had a pretty voice. The song is "I'll be seeing you." At first I just started playing it and it sounded palatable. I played it through once or twice, following the lyric to help me find the chords. It goes: " I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places That this heart of mine embraces All day and through In that small cafe The park across the way The children's carousel The chestnut trees, the wishing well I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day In everything that's light and gay I'll always think of you that way I'll find you in the morning sun And when the night is new I'll be looking at the moon But I'll be seeing you I'll be seeing you In every hello"; Now I can't stop crying. I will be seeing Autumn in all the old familiar places. Thank you Autumn. Thank you for being my beloved baby daughter. Thank you for the memories of your jokes and funny outfits. Thanks for wearing hats to cover your sumptuous hair when I was bald from chemo. Thank you for sharing the best singing voice of the century with me. Thank you for being such a gentle, easy child. As for the Cancer and the suffering, I am sorry Mommy couldn't fix it. I hope you will know my name when I see you in Heaven.

Love, Mommy

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Author Suzanne White

About Suzanne White

Suzanne White is the High Priestess of Chinese and Western Astrology. She's American and has lived in France for 50 years. She spends some months in America every year on house swaps. Suzanne says: One day I'm a rip-roaring Yankee and the next day I'm an dainty, elegant Parisienne My totally bi-lingual life is a kind of "managed schizophrenia". It's fun. I live for fun. I will probably die of it too.